Have u ever thought how u use English ? Certainly in a very very ridiculus way. But u can't see any way .Anyway, don't tell if English is such crazy why don't u take it to a mental hospital .Ok , Let's face it---"English is a crazy language"---

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?

And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

BIG Trouble!


There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them.

Hearing about a pastor nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the pastor to talk with the boys and he agreed.

The mother went to the pastor and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent the younger boy to the pastor.

The pastor sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the pastor pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, then said nothing. Again, louder, the pastor pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the pastor leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young man, I ask you, where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"

His brother replied, "I'm telling' ya', we're in BIG trouble. God is missing and they think we did it !!!"

Call from the horse !!!

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him
and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks,
"Whatwas that for?"She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket
with 'Betty Sue' written on it."He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last
week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I
went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's
reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back
of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She
answers,
"Your horse called."

A lot of people wonder how do youknow if you're really in love.
Just ask yourself this one question. "Would I mind being financially
destroyed by this person?"

Cat In Heaven !!!



One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven, where he meets the Lord.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

Got A Minute?


A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.

"God," he said, "how long is a million years?"

God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"

God answered, "To me, it's a penny."

The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"

God answered, "In a minute."

A Very Hungry Blonde!



A blonde walks into a library, walks up to the front desk and says to the librarian:

"I'll have a cheeseburger, fries and a large coke, please."

The librarian is stunned and stares blankly back at the blonde, but the blonde thinks that the elderly librarian must be hard of hearing and repeats her request in a loud voice:

"I'LL HAVE A CHEESEBURGER, FRIES AND A LARGE COKE!"

"Miss, I'm sorry but this is a library" informs the librarian.

"Oh, I'm sorry." whispers the blonde, and continues in a very soft voice:

"I'll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a large coke."

A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn. It lifted the roof off, picked
up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently
in the next county. The wife began to cry. "Don't be scared, Susan," her husband
said. "We are not hurt." Susan continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said
between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 15 years we've been
out together.

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold
my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the
church, would I get into Heaven?" "No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything
neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?" Again the answer was "No!"
"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"A five-year-old
boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was
in
the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp
than
the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He
decides
to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the men next to him
if
anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited
to
have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using
it?
The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this
was the
first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married
in 1968.
John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a
relative or
a close friend to take the seat? "No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"

To Feel Like A Woman!



On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt.

Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

u come up with real nice humors bro.
great job.

tara y don't u post all your jokes in one thread, like u have done in this one, It would be easier to look for a particular thread than to c new thread every day. Might be others have different feeling but.........................

keep the good work going man.

Thanx for the laugh.

harkeDai

What I Want In A Man !!!



What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover



What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)

1. Nice Looking preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week



What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)

1. Not too ugly bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady, splurges on dinner at McDonnald's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screwtop lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends



What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't retell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends



What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...



What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)

1. BREATHING

Let's Pretend We're Married !!!



A man and an attractive woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both go to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top.

In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, "I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we're married"

"Hey, terrific idea!", says the eager man.

"Good", she replies, "GET YOUR OWN BLANKET!"

How To Photograph A Puppy!



* Remove film from box and load camera
* Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
* Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
* Choose a suitable background for photo
* Mount camera on tripod and focus
* Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
* Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
* Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
* Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
* Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
* Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
* Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose
* Put magazines back on coffee table
* Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
* Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
* Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
* Call spouse to clean up mess
* Fix a drink
* Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning

Reasons For Breaking Up!



PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.

SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

ARCHAEOLOGY: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.

THEATRE: "OH! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"

PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.

JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."

WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!"

BUSINESS: Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.

HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.

GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.

ANATOMY: "I never liked your body anyway."

ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.

The Biggest Lies!


The check is in the mail.

I'll respect you in the morning.

I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.

You get this one, I'll pay next time.

My wife doesn't understand me.

Trust me, I'll take care of everything.

Of course I love you.

I am getting a divorce.

Drinking? Why, no, Officer.

I never inhaled.

It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

I never watch television except for PBS.

...but we can still be good friends.

She means nothing to me.

Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."

I gave at the office.

Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.

I'll call you later.

We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.

Read my lips: no new taxes

I've never done anything like this before

Now, I'm going to tell you the truth

It's supposed to make that noise.

I *love* your new !

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The Hot Mama Machine


An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move.

"Father?" asked the boy.

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your mother!"

The Least He Could Do



A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took off his hat, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."

The golfer turned to him and said, "Well, it was the least I could do. We were married for 45 years!"

A Five Dollar Good Time


A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside.

A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?"

"For how much?" asks the man.

"One hundred dollars."

"I'll give you five bucks."

The girl spits at him and walks away.

A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. On the first corner they come to there is the same hooker.

She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "You see? You see what you get for five bucks?"

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, " I once
was a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss
from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move
into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes,
bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the
princess dined on frog legs,she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."